Give Me Back My Email!!!!!

  Gather around loyal followers, it's time for the next exciting installment of I-TG33k! I am THE I-TG33k, Denny Clinton, here to share another tale of technical turmoil (Boom!!!! alliteration punks!!!! like a real author and shit......) .

    Once again, I'd been toiling away in my G33k Sanctum when the G33k signal shone across the sky (Ok, I was sitting in the shop surfing Facebook and the phone rang..... see, my dramatic phrasing sounds way cooler, doesn't it?) On the line was one of my smaller clients, the whole place consists of 4 people..... 3 insanely attractive Milfs ( c'mon.... everyone knows what that stands for) and the boss, a little old guy who could be mistaken for Doc from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves . 
Here, a little visual reference for ya:

    Now picture him in an ill-fitting suit with a smug grimace on his face constantly and you'll have a fairly accurate assessment. So, anyway this tiny client is having issues with their router, it keeps losing connection and they have to power cycle it once every 30 minutes or so..... maybe that's because their router is older than the building their office is in!
  I do what I do best.... grab equipment from my stock and head out to sell/install it at a significant price increase (Don't Judge Me!!!!! A guy has to eat! Which I do often.....and in great quantities!) 

     I arrive at the office of these medical.... professionals I guess..... I'm not real sure what they do.... they aren't a doctors office or in sales... they're more like an honor society or something..... I don't get it but hey they pay promptly and hardly ever question prices... I go desk to desk and tell everyone.....EVERYONE face to face that the internet is going down until I'm finished with the router install. EVERYONE acknowledges this and (I assume) understands that they're on coffee break for a bit.
    So, I get busy with the switch over, I did my homework ahead of time and had pre-configured the new router to make the transition seamless and quick (If you're wondering... I damn near dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back). As expected everything went great, new router comes online quickly and I'm on my way out the door and something tells me to check out a couple of the machines just to be thorough and by something, I mean the Sindy the Secretary.....a gorgeous blonde who is far too intelligent for her position there.
     So, to appease her (Like I said these ladies are HOT! Bossman Doc knows how to hire staff, I'll give him that.) I lean over and click onto the internet and naturally..... nothing happens..... Whathefuk????? that shit shouldn't happen I did everything by the numbers.... set the IP to mirror the old router, enabled dhcp....aaaand it hits me....Static IP.... So  back to the Server corner I go (this tiny office doesn't have enough space for a water cooler let alone a server ROOM) I'm busy fixing the settings and pulling the trigger on the reboot to fix this mess  and I hear it.... the *clomp* *clomp*  *clomp*  of  dwarf feet stomping my way. I try my best to keep my head down and stare with as much focus as I can muster at the monitor in front of me hoping Bossman Doc with pass me by. I quickly realize that' s not the gonna happen as he taps me on the shoulder with one of his sausage fingers. I stand up and turn around... JEEZUS he's like 6 inches from me!   Before I can get a greeting out his little pudgy dwarven face turns bright red and he blurts out "YOUNG MAN! I'm the BOSS HERE and I'm VERY BUSY!!!!" (Now, Doc here has been in charge since I took these folks on as clients well over 3 years ago... I fucking know who you are dickhead) he continued his tirade  "  I'm in the middle of VERY IMPORTANT work!" (Work you're not supposed to be doing yet asshole!) and with the final roar of his dialog I nearly laughed in his dwarf face " NOW Give Me Back My Email!!!!!!" (Goddamn it Bossman Doc! you caught me red-handed..... this was all a ploy to steal your email! .... I'm sure this Mental Fucking Giant makes well over 4 times my annual salary....) 
     As if on cue, I hear the familiar sounds of machines coming online and the sounds of  Email populating from Bossman Doc's office. I clear my throat and look Doc in the eye... all color drains from his face and a nervous grin cracks his typical grimace... He slaps me on the shoulder and says "Ha! never doubted ya for a minute..."  

I Fucking hate dwarves.....



as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!





***Disclaimer: Doc is owned solely by Walt Disney Corporation, the image is used without consent, kiss my ass Mickey Mouse!   
Also, I don't hate real dwarves ... or little people or midgets or what the fuck ever you're supposed to call them now....Y'know what.... fuck them too!!!!.

Sweet Sister Sunshine's got a Potty Mouth

   Hello and welcome to this week's edition of I-TG33k, I'm still your host, THE I-TG33k himself, Denny Clinton. Today we're going to touch on a subject that can be a lightning rod of controversy..... No, not the Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate(Incidentally, Star Wars is way cooler in my opinion but that's another post altogether).... No, we're touching on Religion....specifically the Catholic Church and their representative's potty mouth tendencies..... yes, I'm serious... stick with me and you'll see
    Just today I get an email from one of the churches I service. They're having trouble logging into the server via their VPN (stands for Virtual Private Network) connection. (For non IT folk, that means they can't log in to their home site from a different location... see , learning is fun!) Now, I really didn't want to drive 45 minutes to re-enter a password so, I give the good and right Sister Sunshine a call. No, she isn't really a nun but the nickname sounds better. She gives me the run down on the situation (y'know, in case I couldn't understand it in the 3 page email she wrote me.) . Like the super nerd I am, I spring into action blindly. Naturally there is no remote access to their computers (why would I have the forethought to do that? Its not like it makes logical sense or anything???) and there is no possible way I can walk her through the install (Sister Sunshine is a wonderful person, just not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to tech). With no other options, I start doing the help desk thing.... I ask all the typical questions and receive terse answers in return. Prepare to be dazzled with the Help Desk Process of troubleshooting (Careful ladies... this'll get ya sweaty.....Ok, it won't.....on second thought... if it does....Email me!!!! Just kidding ladies I-TG33k is a happily married man, right Mrs. G33k?...) (( ... OK she's gone... send those emails ladies!!!! ))....
     Anyway prepare to be thoroughly amazed (and by amazed I mean bored to fucking death, but its a necessary evil) by the process: I start with the basics:  has the password changed? (no) . Is the user account correct? (yes, of course) , has anyone else used it? (Well, The Reverend Father Priestman had it the other day....)  BINGO!!!! Ol' Pappy Priestman screwed it up!!!! So, I start explaining to sweet Sister Sunshine that she has to re-enter her password and she stops me short. "I don't know what that is.... it's always just there..." (didn't she just tell me that it hadn't changed? how the hell does she know that if she doesn't know what it is???) So, I ask if she has it documented somewhere... she says she does and puts me on hold to look for it.... for 25 fucking minutes....... when she finally comes back, she tells me she has it but is all secretive about it... this chick REFUSES to give me the password!!!! Fine, whatever.. enter the damn thing so I can get you off my phone.... 
    She enters it and says it doesn't work... I ask her if it might be a different password... she huffs in my ear and says its not possible she only has one password! She the proceeds to dive into a long winded explanation about it being the password for her email account and their provider is different from the main location.. (It makes no rational sense at all and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!) I try to explain to her four times....let me reiterate that... 4 TIMES... that the server log in is a completely different animal.. and every time she launches back into the email password story..... finally on the fifth go round, I cut her off with an "I Understand That." and try to explain AGAIN in the clearest of layperson terms for her....I get a HUGE sigh of frustration through the receiver of my phone followed by something I never though I would hear from a church staff member in a million lifetimes:

"I'VE ONLY EVER HAD ONE FUCKING PASSWORD"

lets let that one linger for a minute .......

...

...

...

Yes, you read that right. I just had an F-Bomb hurled at me by Sister Sunshine, now just to paint the entire picture for you.... Sister Sunshine is one of the nicest ladies on the planet. She's a tiny little thing and  close to 70 years old, she looks like one of those adorable sweet old grannies, so to say I was caught off guard by this hellish outburst is an understatement ..... I was thrown waaaaaay the fuck off... it's like that feeling you got when you walked in on your parents bumping uglies (you're welcome for trudging that memory back up....) I was so stunned that all I could come back with was " I'll be right over..."

Long story short, the entire visit was painfully awkward . there was palpable tension in the air and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there..... NOTHING was mentioned about our conversation not then, not now, not FUCKING EVER ( well until I blast it across the internet....) we both pretended it didn't happen....  The problem that caused the outburst was never the password.... it was the case sensitivity of the user name.......  

Seriously... something that simple caused an F-Bomb..from inside a church ... how can you top that....

as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!

Have a Happy G33k Fathers Day

   Welcome back to I-TG33k, I'm THE I-TG33k, Denny Clinton here with a very special post. This time we're going to talk about the upcoming (or if you're a procrastinator, just passed) holiday, Fathers Day. I know, it's not the most important holiday out there and it's typically a hastily put together celebration or maybe not even celebrated at all. I'm sure a typical Fathers Day consists of a meal being made or bought for Dad while he receives gifts from his kids (usually homemade, which is cool! don't start with the hate mail) and possibly something from the wife or girlfriend (or both if Big Daddy's got it like that....)
   Now, to keep this n the theme of our little show here, I'm going to give out some tips for you folks if the Dad in your life is something of a G33k.... So basically this is a thinly veiled attempt at telling Mrs. G33k " This is what I want you to do for me!!!!" but I digress. Back to the point at hand..... How do you make a successful and well appreciated G33k Fathers Day?
   Let's start with the morning.... Make your guy breakfast.... doesn't have to be delivered in bed because honestly, who the hell wants to try and eat eggs, bacon and toast while laying buck naked in bed..... crumbs get into some pretty uncomfortable areas and it's more than a little awkward eating naked... laying down... and being watched by kids.... No, Dad can muster the energy to come downstairs and stuff his face. Next, wait to give him his card and presents until he's done eating..... I don't know about you, but when I'm eating.... I'M EATING!!!! let me have some peace and read the paper ( or more likely PCWorld Magazine or the latest issue of X-Men). Once Dad's gullet is stuffed then you can move on to the gifts.... 
     So, lets talk about the gift choices..... if Dad is like ol' I-TG33k he'll appreciate anything you get for him... but do you really want to wow him? Follow my tips here.  

1.) Get him a G33k gift: You can never go wrong with tech. I'm sure there's something he's been eyeballing... probably a Tablet ( Microsoft Surface Pro or IPad3 if you're reading this Mrs. G33k!!!!) or even better get creative.... does dad have a favorite comic book character? Get him some COOL merch related to that hero. Now, don't just go out to Walmart and grab a cheesy T-shirt and think thats going to win the day.... that's not creative and usually those WallyWorld t-shirts are LAME. Do some web research, find something really cool, like an Art Deco piece featuring the hero.... trust me they're out there and not really that expensive.

2.) Gift Cards are never a bad idea:  Seriously, it's not hard... Dad's favorite comic shop, any Tech store (Like Best Buy) or even Amazon or ITunes...... Dad can get what he wants and you don't come off looking like a douchelord.

3.) Ahem .... Bedroom gifts: ..... what? do I really have to explain this? (If so, you are too young to be reading this blog.... Go Play Skylanders ya little creep)

Ok now that gifts are taken care of what should you do for the rest of the day to make it enjoyable for dear old dad? That's easy enough.... Let him decide. BUT there is a caveat to that rule..... he's gotta choose something that includes the family... none of this  Watching sports or playing MMOs uninterrupted all day bullshit... if that's how he wants to spend Fathers Day then he's the DoucheLord and should be punched in the neck and served  divorce papers....

Now I'm going to field a few Father's Day etiquette questions to clear up any confusion

Q: How late should Dad get to sleep in?       
A: 9:00 am is suitable, again .. only a DoucheLord would want to sleep his day away....

Q: Is it ok to make Dad cook on Father's Day?
A; Yes, but only if it involves the grill, seriously if the meal is being made in the kitchen the ladies can handle it.

Q: How much work around the house is Ok to make Dad do on Father's Day?
A: Are you fucking INSANE???? None. Not a single Minute of his day should be wasted with manual labor! Let the poor bastard enjoy himself for once!!!!

Q: Is nookie expected on Father's Day?
A: expected? NO.... it is fucking MANDATORY!!!!!!!  It's Father's day, a day all about him..... He gets this damn holiday for that goddamn reason! Give that man some ass!!!!



And that looks like a good place to wrap this up. Keep in mind that all opinions expressed here are my own and may be disregarded..... 

and as always:
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!




*** One Final Note***   Feel free to leave comments  here or by email, I'd love to hear what you think about this little project of mine!

I attended IPad School....

  Welcome to the next installment of I-TG33k and as always my disclaimer: All of my stories are TRUE. Details have been changed to protect the guilty and their careers, mostly mine.
    Not so long ago, an urgent phone call came into the G33kCave. It was from my biggest client, no not Dr. Hot-Dog Vender, Esq. (If you're asking yourself who the fuck is Dr. Hot-Dog Vender.... then seriously.... go back and read the previous editions of I-TG33k....there may be a quiz next month....) No, this client is a mover and shaker in their business. They command considerable power and respect all throughout the state. So, when they call, I listen... or at least answer and feign mild interest.... So, I tear myself away from the newest TESD broadcast (bonus Points for the first person to tell me what that stands for) long enough  to at least answer the call and get the vague details the secretary gives me, and believe me they were vague.... I think it went something like: "Mr. Bigwig needs to see you immediately.... his thingy isn't working...." I tried to explain to her that she called her I.T. guy and not Mr. Bigwig's urologist...I then paused to let my comedy stylings sink in....dead silence... she didn't get the joke..... So after my attempt at humor/sexual harassment, I told her I'd be right over.
    I made the trip from the shop to the corporate offices of BigWig, Bossman and Lackey attorneys at law in a record 10 minutes and boarded the elevator for the ride to the eighth floor feeling pretty pleased with myself for the quick arrival.  Stepping into the lavish corner office of Mr. BigWig I greet him with a smile  and a "Good Morning sir, I hope I didn't keep you waiting." BigWig swivels around in his GINORMOUS desk chair that makes the Queen Mother's throne look like a fucking potty seat and says to me In-All-Seriousness "Well, my secretary DID tell you it was urgent...." I was shocked, this toolbag was seriously annoyed that it took me 10 minutes to get across town..... So, BigWig tosses an IPad onto the desk between us and just stares at me. I look from him to the Ipad and back. AND HE'S JUST FUCKING STARING AT ME! Stone faced and silent. I finally break the awkward silence " What seems to be the problem?"  He glances at the IPad and then at me with a "Pssht..." and waves his hand at it all annoyed like. He made the face at me..... you know the one I mean.... the one that expresses exactly how fucking stupid he thinks you are for asking such an asinine question. " Well, the damn thing doesn't work" he said to me.... and he shoves it across the desk at me, very nearly into my lap.
    So, I pick it up and open the ridiculously expensive leather case and start looking the device over, it turns on fine and before I can look any further Mr. BigWig chuckles at me and says " I don't know what you think you're going to do with that.... I can't figure it out and I attended IPAD SCHOOL." Now I was pissed at the arrogance of this old bastard, I was determined to fix this thing with blinding speed.......long story short, I immediately went into his settings and enabled his Wi-Fi.... boom IPad works like a fucking charm..... I hand the device across the desk to this pompous prick, this  fucking IPAD School Valedictorian and just had to add " Hope IPad school wasn't too expensive."

Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!