Hello and welcome to this weeks edition of I-TG33k, as always, I am your host Denny Clinton.
I am actually writing this column directly from the clients home, I don't want to miss ANY details from this bizarro story!
I get a call from this particular fellow and he's in a panic, shouting
and cursing. This isn't anything new, it's his M.O.... Let me give you
some background on the one we call.... Dr. Sleepy.
Dr. Sleepy was a successful and highly respected member of the local
medical community. He retired a few years back and once he was
comfortably away from the scrutiny of the public eye..... He let loose
with the crazy! All social graces have long sense gone out the window
and everything in his little world revolves around him and his
conspiracy theories. The formerly good doctor has adopted quite the look for himself these days, he kind of resembles an old, portly Wolverine (The X-Man not the animal) He has huge mutton chop sideburns and poofy white hair that, to be honest looks more like Krusty the Clown than Wolvie.... PLUS he rocks a Hitler 'stache! It never fails, no matter when I'm there Morning, Noon or Night... Summer, Fall Winter.... he's always dressed in basketball gear.... specifically an S.U. t-shirt, Orange B-Ball shorts and tube socks pulled damned near up to his crotch .... and to complete the ensemble:.... a cotton headband..... I have NO idea why.... the old codger doesn't exercise! It's always an adventure making a visit to the good
Doctor.
So, back to today. I finally get the old kook to calm down, I ask what
the problem is.....(my first mistake) "my computer sold me out to the
FBI!!!! I'm going to prison!!!!" I chuckle at this and explain that
it's a virus and he's not going to prison, but it DOES make me wonder
what he's doing on that pc if he thinks it sold him out to the Feds....
I arrive 22 minutes later and jam the doorbell at the previously arranged proper entrance (seriously, he's that guy) Silence turns into the sounds of a dog flipping the fuck out!
Dr. Sleepy answers the door and ushers me in, assuring me that cujo here won't bother me and kind of pushes me past the
beast who is still snarling and baring its teeth at me as Doc shouts at
it "its Denny! It's Denny!" Like the rabid little fuck cares what my
name is.
So I get to the pc and its the typical virus removal, what isn't typical
is the interaction coming from the other room. Mrs. Sleepy has come
home in the meantime and has stated asking innocent questions to the
Doctor about the virus removal...... Seems normal enough right? Well
until the doctor responds..... By bellowing at her at the top of his
lungs! He reacts like she had just told him she screwed the neighbor on
the front lawn!!! Throwing f-bombs around and calling her a dumb cunt
and so forth.....it goes on for a good 8 minutes before the entire
house, even cujo who has been vigilantely standing in the doorway waiting for the
right moment to take a chunk out of my leg, goes silent..... it like when you were a kid and Mommy and Daddy got into a huge table tossing fight at dinner, you just sit there awkwardly as your little sister cries silently into her Mac and Cheese.... What? that didn't happen at your house???? (Don't Judge Me!!!)
Then I hear
footsteps coming down the hall towards me .... Dr. Sleepy appears and says
cheerily"how we doin in here?"
..... I gotta get out of this nut house
as always:
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Musings from within the complicated and often times unintentionally hilarious world of I.T. Support as well as a sampling of general geek-life observations. Disclaimer: Many details have been altered to protect my career!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
ID=10T errors Don't be that guy
Welcome back for this very special edition of I-TG33k. I'm your host Denny "I-TG33k" Clinton. Today I want to discuss a very serious topic that plagues a huge portion of computer users these days. Perusing this list, you'll see that you, dear readers, may even be afflicted with these ID=10T errors.
Now, don't panic... these are fixable but you will always carry the secret shame of knowing .... you're one of them.
Now, I'm sure you're asking what ID=10T errors are. It's all VERY technical but I'll do my best to sum it up for you.... ID=10T is a specific classification / rating system used within the Information Technologies biz that categorizes an end user according to their technical skill level and willingness to learn. ID=10T specifically stands for Identification Determination equal 10% Technical Aptitude
...
...
...
...
...
NO NOT REALLY!!!!!
Let me Show you: ID10T see it now? No, fine. I'll make it abundantly clear: IDIOT. now you see it huh?
There are many variations of ID=10T errors, some more severe than others. I'm going to lay all out for you here. Now if you find that you, dear readers, fit into one of these roles don't be offended. Most people will but don't worry.... you can fix it.... admitting the problem is the first step:
as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Now, don't panic... these are fixable but you will always carry the secret shame of knowing .... you're one of them.
Now, I'm sure you're asking what ID=10T errors are. It's all VERY technical but I'll do my best to sum it up for you.... ID=10T is a specific classification / rating system used within the Information Technologies biz that categorizes an end user according to their technical skill level and willingness to learn. ID=10T specifically stands for Identification Determination equal 10% Technical Aptitude
...
...
...
...
...
NO NOT REALLY!!!!!
Let me Show you: ID10T see it now? No, fine. I'll make it abundantly clear: IDIOT. now you see it huh?
There are many variations of ID=10T errors, some more severe than others. I'm going to lay all out for you here. Now if you find that you, dear readers, fit into one of these roles don't be offended. Most people will but don't worry.... you can fix it.... admitting the problem is the first step:
- The Quick Clicker: Usually limited to the Tween set (10 -14 years of age) These ID10Ts let nothing stand in their way of a download. Throwing caution (and common sense) to the wind, they blast through every option of every download to get it started, Viruses and add-ons be damned! These computers are the ones that have tons of bloatware clogging them up but the owners have no idea why it runs so slow!(Maybe because you let your kid download every toolbar known to man you clueless prick!)
- The Wannabe: These ID10Ts want to be a techie soooooo bad ! They try to talk the talk but cannot wrap their heads around the skill. They think they know what they're doing but manage to screw everything up. These are the folks that hover over me and try to troubleshoot problems they've caused (seriously, get the fuck out of the room before I beat you with your keyboard dumbass)
- The Virus Collector: These ID10Ts make me money! With no AntiVirus to speak of they venture across the InterWebs inviting every virus they come across back to their hard drive to hang out. They then want to know why the computer is broken (Stay off the pornsites without protection Moron!)
- The E.M.P: It's hard to refer to these guys as ID10Ts. These people repel technology. For whatever reason these folks have an aura around them that just Breaks Shit! Typically it's unintentional but whatever they use just stops working. Phones, Computers, TVs you name it. These mystical agents of mayhem walk into the room and shit goes foul. (Honestly, go outside...do not touch anything! Keep your voodoo outta here!!!!)
- The How-DO-I?: These ID10Ts want to learn, they really do. .. But it's the constant corrections that put them on this list. I get it, I really do....how else are they going to learn if they don't ask the questions and try stuff out for themselves. The problem being.... they seek the guidance AFTER tinkering alone!!!! (Here's a tip...ASK FIRST Dummy!!!!!)
- The A.T.A: That stands for Against Technical Advice, kind of like in the medical field where if you're dumb enough to completely disregard the doctors instructions you get labelled AMA. I get the same type of ID10Ts and these are the worst. I hate working with these fucks. I work on their machines and explain what is causing their issues (Internet Explorer and a piss poor or nonexistant A/V) and not only advise them, but install better stuff for them.... and what do I hear "I like IE better, I'm still going to use that" .... (Fuck. You. enjoy your viruses FUCKTARD)
as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Give Me Back My Email!!!!!
Gather around loyal followers, it's time for the next exciting installment of I-TG33k! I am THE I-TG33k, Denny Clinton, here to share another tale of technical turmoil (Boom!!!! alliteration punks!!!! like a real author and shit......) .
Once again, I'd been toiling away in my G33k Sanctum when the G33k signal shone across the sky (Ok, I was sitting in the shop surfing Facebook and the phone rang..... see, my dramatic phrasing sounds way cooler, doesn't it?) On the line was one of my smaller clients, the whole place consists of 4 people..... 3 insanely attractive Milfs ( c'mon.... everyone knows what that stands for) and the boss, a little old guy who could be mistaken for Doc from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves .
Here, a little visual reference for ya:
Now picture him in an ill-fitting suit with a smug grimace on his face constantly and you'll have a fairly accurate assessment. So, anyway this tiny client is having issues with their router, it keeps losing connection and they have to power cycle it once every 30 minutes or so..... maybe that's because their router is older than the building their office is in!
I do what I do best.... grab equipment from my stock and head out to sell/install it at a significant price increase (Don't Judge Me!!!!! A guy has to eat! Which I do often.....and in great quantities!)
I arrive at the office of these medical.... professionals I guess..... I'm not real sure what they do.... they aren't a doctors office or in sales... they're more like an honor society or something..... I don't get it but hey they pay promptly and hardly ever question prices... I go desk to desk and tell everyone.....EVERYONE face to face that the internet is going down until I'm finished with the router install. EVERYONE acknowledges this and (I assume) understands that they're on coffee break for a bit.
So, I get busy with the switch over, I did my homework ahead of time and had pre-configured the new router to make the transition seamless and quick (If you're wondering... I damn near dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back). As expected everything went great, new router comes online quickly and I'm on my way out the door and something tells me to check out a couple of the machines just to be thorough and by something, I mean the Sindy the Secretary.....a gorgeous blonde who is far too intelligent for her position there.
So, to appease her (Like I said these ladies are HOT! Bossman Doc knows how to hire staff, I'll give him that.) I lean over and click onto the internet and naturally..... nothing happens..... Whathefuk????? that shit shouldn't happen I did everything by the numbers.... set the IP to mirror the old router, enabled dhcp....aaaand it hits me....Static IP.... So back to the Server corner I go (this tiny office doesn't have enough space for a water cooler let alone a server ROOM) I'm busy fixing the settings and pulling the trigger on the reboot to fix this mess and I hear it.... the *clomp* *clomp* *clomp* of dwarf feet stomping my way. I try my best to keep my head down and stare with as much focus as I can muster at the monitor in front of me hoping Bossman Doc with pass me by. I quickly realize that' s not the gonna happen as he taps me on the shoulder with one of his sausage fingers. I stand up and turn around... JEEZUS he's like 6 inches from me! Before I can get a greeting out his little pudgy dwarven face turns bright red and he blurts out "YOUNG MAN! I'm the BOSS HERE and I'm VERY BUSY!!!!" (Now, Doc here has been in charge since I took these folks on as clients well over 3 years ago... I fucking know who you are dickhead) he continued his tirade " I'm in the middle of VERY IMPORTANT work!" (Work you're not supposed to be doing yet asshole!) and with the final roar of his dialog I nearly laughed in his dwarf face " NOW Give Me Back My Email!!!!!!" (Goddamn it Bossman Doc! you caught me red-handed..... this was all a ploy to steal your email! .... I'm sure this Mental Fucking Giant makes well over 4 times my annual salary....)
As if on cue, I hear the familiar sounds of machines coming online and the sounds of Email populating from Bossman Doc's office. I clear my throat and look Doc in the eye... all color drains from his face and a nervous grin cracks his typical grimace... He slaps me on the shoulder and says "Ha! never doubted ya for a minute..."
I Fucking hate dwarves.....
as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
***Disclaimer: Doc is owned solely by Walt Disney Corporation, the image is used without consent, kiss my ass Mickey Mouse!
Also, I don't hate real dwarves ... or little people or midgets or what the fuck ever you're supposed to call them now....Y'know what.... fuck them too!!!!.
Once again, I'd been toiling away in my G33k Sanctum when the G33k signal shone across the sky (Ok, I was sitting in the shop surfing Facebook and the phone rang..... see, my dramatic phrasing sounds way cooler, doesn't it?) On the line was one of my smaller clients, the whole place consists of 4 people..... 3 insanely attractive Milfs ( c'mon.... everyone knows what that stands for) and the boss, a little old guy who could be mistaken for Doc from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves .
Here, a little visual reference for ya:
I do what I do best.... grab equipment from my stock and head out to sell/install it at a significant price increase (Don't Judge Me!!!!! A guy has to eat! Which I do often.....and in great quantities!)
I arrive at the office of these medical.... professionals I guess..... I'm not real sure what they do.... they aren't a doctors office or in sales... they're more like an honor society or something..... I don't get it but hey they pay promptly and hardly ever question prices... I go desk to desk and tell everyone.....EVERYONE face to face that the internet is going down until I'm finished with the router install. EVERYONE acknowledges this and (I assume) understands that they're on coffee break for a bit.
So, I get busy with the switch over, I did my homework ahead of time and had pre-configured the new router to make the transition seamless and quick (If you're wondering... I damn near dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back). As expected everything went great, new router comes online quickly and I'm on my way out the door and something tells me to check out a couple of the machines just to be thorough and by something, I mean the Sindy the Secretary.....a gorgeous blonde who is far too intelligent for her position there.
So, to appease her (Like I said these ladies are HOT! Bossman Doc knows how to hire staff, I'll give him that.) I lean over and click onto the internet and naturally..... nothing happens..... Whathefuk????? that shit shouldn't happen I did everything by the numbers.... set the IP to mirror the old router, enabled dhcp....aaaand it hits me....Static IP.... So back to the Server corner I go (this tiny office doesn't have enough space for a water cooler let alone a server ROOM) I'm busy fixing the settings and pulling the trigger on the reboot to fix this mess and I hear it.... the *clomp* *clomp* *clomp* of dwarf feet stomping my way. I try my best to keep my head down and stare with as much focus as I can muster at the monitor in front of me hoping Bossman Doc with pass me by. I quickly realize that' s not the gonna happen as he taps me on the shoulder with one of his sausage fingers. I stand up and turn around... JEEZUS he's like 6 inches from me! Before I can get a greeting out his little pudgy dwarven face turns bright red and he blurts out "YOUNG MAN! I'm the BOSS HERE and I'm VERY BUSY!!!!" (Now, Doc here has been in charge since I took these folks on as clients well over 3 years ago... I fucking know who you are dickhead) he continued his tirade " I'm in the middle of VERY IMPORTANT work!" (Work you're not supposed to be doing yet asshole!) and with the final roar of his dialog I nearly laughed in his dwarf face " NOW Give Me Back My Email!!!!!!" (Goddamn it Bossman Doc! you caught me red-handed..... this was all a ploy to steal your email! .... I'm sure this Mental Fucking Giant makes well over 4 times my annual salary....)
As if on cue, I hear the familiar sounds of machines coming online and the sounds of Email populating from Bossman Doc's office. I clear my throat and look Doc in the eye... all color drains from his face and a nervous grin cracks his typical grimace... He slaps me on the shoulder and says "Ha! never doubted ya for a minute..."
I Fucking hate dwarves.....
as always: Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
***Disclaimer: Doc is owned solely by Walt Disney Corporation, the image is used without consent, kiss my ass Mickey Mouse!
Also, I don't hate real dwarves ... or little people or midgets or what the fuck ever you're supposed to call them now....Y'know what.... fuck them too!!!!.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Sweet Sister Sunshine's got a Potty Mouth
Hello and welcome to this week's edition of I-TG33k, I'm still your host, THE I-TG33k himself, Denny Clinton. Today we're going to touch on a subject that can be a lightning rod of controversy..... No, not the Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate(Incidentally, Star Wars is way cooler in my opinion but that's another post altogether).... No, we're touching on Religion....specifically the Catholic Church and their representative's potty mouth tendencies..... yes, I'm serious... stick with me and you'll see
Just today I get an email from one of the churches I service. They're having trouble logging into the server via their VPN (stands for Virtual Private Network) connection. (For non IT folk, that means they can't log in to their home site from a different location... see , learning is fun!) Now, I really didn't want to drive 45 minutes to re-enter a password so, I give the good and right Sister Sunshine a call. No, she isn't really a nun but the nickname sounds better. She gives me the run down on the situation (y'know, in case I couldn't understand it in the 3 page email she wrote me.) . Like the super nerd I am, I spring into action blindly. Naturally there is no remote access to their computers (why would I have the forethought to do that? Its not like it makes logical sense or anything???) and there is no possible way I can walk her through the install (Sister Sunshine is a wonderful person, just not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to tech). With no other options, I start doing the help desk thing.... I ask all the typical questions and receive terse answers in return. Prepare to be dazzled with the Help Desk Process of troubleshooting (Careful ladies... this'll get ya sweaty.....Ok, it won't.....on second thought... if it does....Email me!!!! Just kidding ladies I-TG33k is a happily married man, right Mrs. G33k?...) (( ... OK she's gone... send those emails ladies!!!! ))....
Anyway prepare to be thoroughly amazed (and by amazed I mean bored to fucking death, but its a necessary evil) by the process: I start with the basics: has the password changed? (no) . Is the user account correct? (yes, of course) , has anyone else used it? (Well, The Reverend Father Priestman had it the other day....) BINGO!!!! Ol' Pappy Priestman screwed it up!!!! So, I start explaining to sweet Sister Sunshine that she has to re-enter her password and she stops me short. "I don't know what that is.... it's always just there..." (didn't she just tell me that it hadn't changed? how the hell does she know that if she doesn't know what it is???) So, I ask if she has it documented somewhere... she says she does and puts me on hold to look for it.... for 25 fucking minutes....... when she finally comes back, she tells me she has it but is all secretive about it... this chick REFUSES to give me the password!!!! Fine, whatever.. enter the damn thing so I can get you off my phone....
She enters it and says it doesn't work... I ask her if it might be a different password... she huffs in my ear and says its not possible she only has one password! She the proceeds to dive into a long winded explanation about it being the password for her email account and their provider is different from the main location.. (It makes no rational sense at all and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!) I try to explain to her four times....let me reiterate that... 4 TIMES... that the server log in is a completely different animal.. and every time she launches back into the email password story..... finally on the fifth go round, I cut her off with an "I Understand That." and try to explain AGAIN in the clearest of layperson terms for her....I get a HUGE sigh of frustration through the receiver of my phone followed by something I never though I would hear from a church staff member in a million lifetimes:
Just today I get an email from one of the churches I service. They're having trouble logging into the server via their VPN (stands for Virtual Private Network) connection. (For non IT folk, that means they can't log in to their home site from a different location... see , learning is fun!) Now, I really didn't want to drive 45 minutes to re-enter a password so, I give the good and right Sister Sunshine a call. No, she isn't really a nun but the nickname sounds better. She gives me the run down on the situation (y'know, in case I couldn't understand it in the 3 page email she wrote me.) . Like the super nerd I am, I spring into action blindly. Naturally there is no remote access to their computers (why would I have the forethought to do that? Its not like it makes logical sense or anything???) and there is no possible way I can walk her through the install (Sister Sunshine is a wonderful person, just not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to tech). With no other options, I start doing the help desk thing.... I ask all the typical questions and receive terse answers in return. Prepare to be dazzled with the Help Desk Process of troubleshooting (Careful ladies... this'll get ya sweaty.....Ok, it won't.....on second thought... if it does....Email me!!!! Just kidding ladies I-TG33k is a happily married man, right Mrs. G33k?...) (( ... OK she's gone... send those emails ladies!!!! ))....
Anyway prepare to be thoroughly amazed (and by amazed I mean bored to fucking death, but its a necessary evil) by the process: I start with the basics: has the password changed? (no) . Is the user account correct? (yes, of course) , has anyone else used it? (Well, The Reverend Father Priestman had it the other day....) BINGO!!!! Ol' Pappy Priestman screwed it up!!!! So, I start explaining to sweet Sister Sunshine that she has to re-enter her password and she stops me short. "I don't know what that is.... it's always just there..." (didn't she just tell me that it hadn't changed? how the hell does she know that if she doesn't know what it is???) So, I ask if she has it documented somewhere... she says she does and puts me on hold to look for it.... for 25 fucking minutes....... when she finally comes back, she tells me she has it but is all secretive about it... this chick REFUSES to give me the password!!!! Fine, whatever.. enter the damn thing so I can get you off my phone....
She enters it and says it doesn't work... I ask her if it might be a different password... she huffs in my ear and says its not possible she only has one password! She the proceeds to dive into a long winded explanation about it being the password for her email account and their provider is different from the main location.. (It makes no rational sense at all and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!) I try to explain to her four times....let me reiterate that... 4 TIMES... that the server log in is a completely different animal.. and every time she launches back into the email password story..... finally on the fifth go round, I cut her off with an "I Understand That." and try to explain AGAIN in the clearest of layperson terms for her....I get a HUGE sigh of frustration through the receiver of my phone followed by something I never though I would hear from a church staff member in a million lifetimes:
"I'VE ONLY EVER HAD ONE FUCKING PASSWORD"
lets let that one linger for a minute .......
...
...
...
Yes, you read that right. I just had an F-Bomb hurled at me by Sister Sunshine, now just to paint the entire picture for you.... Sister Sunshine is one of the nicest ladies on the planet. She's a tiny little thing and close to 70 years old, she looks like one of those adorable sweet old grannies, so to say I was caught off guard by this hellish outburst is an understatement ..... I was thrown waaaaaay the fuck off... it's like that feeling you got when you walked in on your parents bumping uglies (you're welcome for trudging that memory back up....) I was so stunned that all I could come back with was " I'll be right over..."
Long story short, the entire visit was painfully awkward . there was palpable tension in the air and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there..... NOTHING was mentioned about our conversation not then, not now, not FUCKING EVER ( well until I blast it across the internet....) we both pretended it didn't happen.... The problem that caused the outburst was never the password.... it was the case sensitivity of the user name.......
Seriously... something that simple caused an F-Bomb..from inside a church ... how can you top that....
as always:
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Have a Happy G33k Fathers Day
Welcome back to I-TG33k, I'm THE I-TG33k, Denny Clinton here with a very special post. This time we're going to talk about the upcoming (or if you're a procrastinator, just passed) holiday, Fathers Day. I know, it's not the most important holiday out there and it's typically a hastily put together celebration or maybe not even celebrated at all. I'm sure a typical Fathers Day consists of a meal being made or bought for Dad while he receives gifts from his kids (usually homemade, which is cool! don't start with the hate mail) and possibly something from the wife or girlfriend (or both if Big Daddy's got it like that....)
Now, to keep this n the theme of our little show here, I'm going to give out some tips for you folks if the Dad in your life is something of a G33k.... So basically this is a thinly veiled attempt at telling Mrs. G33k " This is what I want you to do for me!!!!" but I digress. Back to the point at hand..... How do you make a successful and well appreciated G33k Fathers Day?
Let's start with the morning.... Make your guy breakfast.... doesn't have to be delivered in bed because honestly, who the hell wants to try and eat eggs, bacon and toast while laying buck naked in bed..... crumbs get into some pretty uncomfortable areas and it's more than a little awkward eating naked... laying down... and being watched by kids.... No, Dad can muster the energy to come downstairs and stuff his face. Next, wait to give him his card and presents until he's done eating..... I don't know about you, but when I'm eating.... I'M EATING!!!! let me have some peace and read the paper ( or more likely PCWorld Magazine or the latest issue of X-Men). Once Dad's gullet is stuffed then you can move on to the gifts....
So, lets talk about the gift choices..... if Dad is like ol' I-TG33k he'll appreciate anything you get for him... but do you really want to wow him? Follow my tips here.
1.) Get him a G33k gift: You can never go wrong with tech. I'm sure there's something he's been eyeballing... probably a Tablet ( Microsoft Surface Pro or IPad3 if you're reading this Mrs. G33k!!!!) or even better get creative.... does dad have a favorite comic book character? Get him some COOL merch related to that hero. Now, don't just go out to Walmart and grab a cheesy T-shirt and think thats going to win the day.... that's not creative and usually those WallyWorld t-shirts are LAME. Do some web research, find something really cool, like an Art Deco piece featuring the hero.... trust me they're out there and not really that expensive.
2.) Gift Cards are never a bad idea: Seriously, it's not hard... Dad's favorite comic shop, any Tech store (Like Best Buy) or even Amazon or ITunes...... Dad can get what he wants and you don't come off looking like a douchelord.
3.) Ahem .... Bedroom gifts: ..... what? do I really have to explain this? (If so, you are too young to be reading this blog.... Go Play Skylanders ya little creep)
Ok now that gifts are taken care of what should you do for the rest of the day to make it enjoyable for dear old dad? That's easy enough.... Let him decide. BUT there is a caveat to that rule..... he's gotta choose something that includes the family... none of this Watching sports or playing MMOs uninterrupted all day bullshit... if that's how he wants to spend Fathers Day then he's the DoucheLord and should be punched in the neck and served divorce papers....
Now I'm going to field a few Father's Day etiquette questions to clear up any confusion
Q: How late should Dad get to sleep in?
A: 9:00 am is suitable, again .. only a DoucheLord would want to sleep his day away....
Q: Is it ok to make Dad cook on Father's Day?
A; Yes, but only if it involves the grill, seriously if the meal is being made in the kitchen the ladies can handle it.
Q: How much work around the house is Ok to make Dad do on Father's Day?
A: Are you fucking INSANE???? None. Not a single Minute of his day should be wasted with manual labor! Let the poor bastard enjoy himself for once!!!!
Q: Is nookie expected on Father's Day?
A: expected? NO.... it is fucking MANDATORY!!!!!!! It's Father's day, a day all about him..... He gets this damn holiday for that goddamn reason! Give that man some ass!!!!
And that looks like a good place to wrap this up. Keep in mind that all opinions expressed here are my own and may be disregarded.....
and as always:
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
*** One Final Note*** Feel free to leave comments here or by email, I'd love to hear what you think about this little project of mine!
Now, to keep this n the theme of our little show here, I'm going to give out some tips for you folks if the Dad in your life is something of a G33k.... So basically this is a thinly veiled attempt at telling Mrs. G33k " This is what I want you to do for me!!!!" but I digress. Back to the point at hand..... How do you make a successful and well appreciated G33k Fathers Day?
Let's start with the morning.... Make your guy breakfast.... doesn't have to be delivered in bed because honestly, who the hell wants to try and eat eggs, bacon and toast while laying buck naked in bed..... crumbs get into some pretty uncomfortable areas and it's more than a little awkward eating naked... laying down... and being watched by kids.... No, Dad can muster the energy to come downstairs and stuff his face. Next, wait to give him his card and presents until he's done eating..... I don't know about you, but when I'm eating.... I'M EATING!!!! let me have some peace and read the paper ( or more likely PCWorld Magazine or the latest issue of X-Men). Once Dad's gullet is stuffed then you can move on to the gifts....
So, lets talk about the gift choices..... if Dad is like ol' I-TG33k he'll appreciate anything you get for him... but do you really want to wow him? Follow my tips here.
1.) Get him a G33k gift: You can never go wrong with tech. I'm sure there's something he's been eyeballing... probably a Tablet ( Microsoft Surface Pro or IPad3 if you're reading this Mrs. G33k!!!!) or even better get creative.... does dad have a favorite comic book character? Get him some COOL merch related to that hero. Now, don't just go out to Walmart and grab a cheesy T-shirt and think thats going to win the day.... that's not creative and usually those WallyWorld t-shirts are LAME. Do some web research, find something really cool, like an Art Deco piece featuring the hero.... trust me they're out there and not really that expensive.
2.) Gift Cards are never a bad idea: Seriously, it's not hard... Dad's favorite comic shop, any Tech store (Like Best Buy) or even Amazon or ITunes...... Dad can get what he wants and you don't come off looking like a douchelord.
3.) Ahem .... Bedroom gifts: ..... what? do I really have to explain this? (If so, you are too young to be reading this blog.... Go Play Skylanders ya little creep)
Ok now that gifts are taken care of what should you do for the rest of the day to make it enjoyable for dear old dad? That's easy enough.... Let him decide. BUT there is a caveat to that rule..... he's gotta choose something that includes the family... none of this Watching sports or playing MMOs uninterrupted all day bullshit... if that's how he wants to spend Fathers Day then he's the DoucheLord and should be punched in the neck and served divorce papers....
Now I'm going to field a few Father's Day etiquette questions to clear up any confusion
Q: How late should Dad get to sleep in?
A: 9:00 am is suitable, again .. only a DoucheLord would want to sleep his day away....
Q: Is it ok to make Dad cook on Father's Day?
A; Yes, but only if it involves the grill, seriously if the meal is being made in the kitchen the ladies can handle it.
Q: How much work around the house is Ok to make Dad do on Father's Day?
A: Are you fucking INSANE???? None. Not a single Minute of his day should be wasted with manual labor! Let the poor bastard enjoy himself for once!!!!
Q: Is nookie expected on Father's Day?
A: expected? NO.... it is fucking MANDATORY!!!!!!! It's Father's day, a day all about him..... He gets this damn holiday for that goddamn reason! Give that man some ass!!!!
And that looks like a good place to wrap this up. Keep in mind that all opinions expressed here are my own and may be disregarded.....
and as always:
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
*** One Final Note*** Feel free to leave comments here or by email, I'd love to hear what you think about this little project of mine!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
I attended IPad School....
Welcome to the next installment of I-TG33k and as always my disclaimer: All of my stories are TRUE. Details have been changed to protect the guilty and their careers, mostly mine.
Not so long ago, an urgent phone call came into the G33kCave. It was from my biggest client, no not Dr. Hot-Dog Vender, Esq. (If you're asking yourself who the fuck is Dr. Hot-Dog Vender.... then seriously.... go back and read the previous editions of I-TG33k....there may be a quiz next month....) No, this client is a mover and shaker in their business. They command considerable power and respect all throughout the state. So, when they call, I listen... or at least answer and feign mild interest.... So, I tear myself away from the newest TESD broadcast (bonus Points for the first person to tell me what that stands for) long enough to at least answer the call and get the vague details the secretary gives me, and believe me they were vague.... I think it went something like: "Mr. Bigwig needs to see you immediately.... his thingy isn't working...." I tried to explain to her that she called her I.T. guy and not Mr. Bigwig's urologist...I then paused to let my comedy stylings sink in....dead silence... she didn't get the joke..... So after my attempt at humor/sexual harassment, I told her I'd be right over.
I made the trip from the shop to the corporate offices of BigWig, Bossman and Lackey attorneys at law in a record 10 minutes and boarded the elevator for the ride to the eighth floor feeling pretty pleased with myself for the quick arrival. Stepping into the lavish corner office of Mr. BigWig I greet him with a smile and a "Good Morning sir, I hope I didn't keep you waiting." BigWig swivels around in his GINORMOUS desk chair that makes the Queen Mother's throne look like a fucking potty seat and says to me In-All-Seriousness "Well, my secretary DID tell you it was urgent...." I was shocked, this toolbag was seriously annoyed that it took me 10 minutes to get across town..... So, BigWig tosses an IPad onto the desk between us and just stares at me. I look from him to the Ipad and back. AND HE'S JUST FUCKING STARING AT ME! Stone faced and silent. I finally break the awkward silence " What seems to be the problem?" He glances at the IPad and then at me with a "Pssht..." and waves his hand at it all annoyed like. He made the face at me..... you know the one I mean.... the one that expresses exactly how fucking stupid he thinks you are for asking such an asinine question. " Well, the damn thing doesn't work" he said to me.... and he shoves it across the desk at me, very nearly into my lap.
So, I pick it up and open the ridiculously expensive leather case and start looking the device over, it turns on fine and before I can look any further Mr. BigWig chuckles at me and says " I don't know what you think you're going to do with that.... I can't figure it out and I attended IPAD SCHOOL." Now I was pissed at the arrogance of this old bastard, I was determined to fix this thing with blinding speed.......long story short, I immediately went into his settings and enabled his Wi-Fi.... boom IPad works like a fucking charm..... I hand the device across the desk to this pompous prick, this fucking IPAD School Valedictorian and just had to add " Hope IPad school wasn't too expensive."
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Not so long ago, an urgent phone call came into the G33kCave. It was from my biggest client, no not Dr. Hot-Dog Vender, Esq. (If you're asking yourself who the fuck is Dr. Hot-Dog Vender.... then seriously.... go back and read the previous editions of I-TG33k....there may be a quiz next month....) No, this client is a mover and shaker in their business. They command considerable power and respect all throughout the state. So, when they call, I listen... or at least answer and feign mild interest.... So, I tear myself away from the newest TESD broadcast (bonus Points for the first person to tell me what that stands for) long enough to at least answer the call and get the vague details the secretary gives me, and believe me they were vague.... I think it went something like: "Mr. Bigwig needs to see you immediately.... his thingy isn't working...." I tried to explain to her that she called her I.T. guy and not Mr. Bigwig's urologist...I then paused to let my comedy stylings sink in....dead silence... she didn't get the joke..... So after my attempt at humor/sexual harassment, I told her I'd be right over.
I made the trip from the shop to the corporate offices of BigWig, Bossman and Lackey attorneys at law in a record 10 minutes and boarded the elevator for the ride to the eighth floor feeling pretty pleased with myself for the quick arrival. Stepping into the lavish corner office of Mr. BigWig I greet him with a smile and a "Good Morning sir, I hope I didn't keep you waiting." BigWig swivels around in his GINORMOUS desk chair that makes the Queen Mother's throne look like a fucking potty seat and says to me In-All-Seriousness "Well, my secretary DID tell you it was urgent...." I was shocked, this toolbag was seriously annoyed that it took me 10 minutes to get across town..... So, BigWig tosses an IPad onto the desk between us and just stares at me. I look from him to the Ipad and back. AND HE'S JUST FUCKING STARING AT ME! Stone faced and silent. I finally break the awkward silence " What seems to be the problem?" He glances at the IPad and then at me with a "Pssht..." and waves his hand at it all annoyed like. He made the face at me..... you know the one I mean.... the one that expresses exactly how fucking stupid he thinks you are for asking such an asinine question. " Well, the damn thing doesn't work" he said to me.... and he shoves it across the desk at me, very nearly into my lap.
So, I pick it up and open the ridiculously expensive leather case and start looking the device over, it turns on fine and before I can look any further Mr. BigWig chuckles at me and says " I don't know what you think you're going to do with that.... I can't figure it out and I attended IPAD SCHOOL." Now I was pissed at the arrogance of this old bastard, I was determined to fix this thing with blinding speed.......long story short, I immediately went into his settings and enabled his Wi-Fi.... boom IPad works like a fucking charm..... I hand the device across the desk to this pompous prick, this fucking IPAD School Valedictorian and just had to add " Hope IPad school wasn't too expensive."
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
Friday, May 31, 2013
I have very important documents to print!!!!
Hello and welcome to the next installment of I-TG33k, I'm your host THE I-TG33k: Denny Clinton. (Jesus.... it sounds like I'm recording a podcast with this intro... ) What I'm about to share with you is TRUE, I assure you that I couldn't make this shit up. I really contend with clients like this on a daily basis and the fact that I haven't slapped one of them or jammed a 1024 mb stick of DDR2 PC100 RAM in my eye is a testament to my restraint, but I digress.... On with the tale:
This specific client of mine could be considered ....high maintenance. I would consider him to be a colossal pain in the ass, a spoiled diva but still a good guy. I'll give as much background as I can without getting canned or sued. The guy is the owner of his own business. (Notice I'm not being too specific ... ... fuck it, He's a Hot Dog Vendor..... a very successful White Collar one, OK?) Anyway, I get a call from him and his printer has lost the will to live.... and he's going BATSHIT CRAZY. " ErmaGerd!!!! My Printer died and I have very important documents to print!!!!! " I reassure him that this is no big deal, I'll bring out a new printer and the ITG33k will save the day, I'm like a nerdy super-hero y'know.....(but... no tights.... I'm a chubster.... it would be a crime against humanity if I were to go out in public like that.....)
So I get to his house, Yes his HOME printer died, I have to make a house call like a family doctor from the 1950s..... Anyway, I bring the new printer in and assess the old one..... It's as dead as a door nail (whatever that's supposed to mean.... aren't all inanimate objects dead? why are we singling out a nail? another topic for a different blog I guess.) So I get busy on the switch over. Not a terribly difficult task really, but when you factor in that Dr. Hot-Dog Vender, Esq. is hovering over me in a panic wringing his hands and whimpering like I'm performing surgey on one of his children, it gets a bit more stressful.
I successfully complete the task and the shiny new, over-priced printer is installed and ready to go. The familiar sounds of an HP Printer initializing a print job fills the home office, drawing in Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor, a pampered stay-at-home trophy wife/mom. She bursts into the room with a look of exasperation and euphoria on her face (was she really that excited for a print document or did she just get back from a rendezvous with her B.O.B? if you don't know what a B.O.B is, go look it up.... we'll wait....) Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor blurts out to her husband and I " Did you save it????". This must be quite the document, I'm even getting excited! It's gotta be something really important or valuable.... maybe some tycoon's lost will that's going to make someone an instant billionaire?
So the print job completes and I've just gotta know what the hell was so important, so I snatch it off the printer and give it a quick glace as I hand it over....
Looney Tunes character pictures..... Are you Fucking Serious??????? This is the goddamned document that was so important ???? it can't be, Right???? no sane person would be that worked up over pictures of some cartoons??? They Were. The look of relief on their faces said it all.... this was the fucking golden document..... Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor confirmed it with one brief sentence " Oh, our little girl will be so happy..."
Welcome to I.T. Hell everyone.... It doesn't get much stranger than that.
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
This specific client of mine could be considered ....high maintenance. I would consider him to be a colossal pain in the ass, a spoiled diva but still a good guy. I'll give as much background as I can without getting canned or sued. The guy is the owner of his own business. (Notice I'm not being too specific ... ... fuck it, He's a Hot Dog Vendor..... a very successful White Collar one, OK?) Anyway, I get a call from him and his printer has lost the will to live.... and he's going BATSHIT CRAZY. " ErmaGerd!!!! My Printer died and I have very important documents to print!!!!! " I reassure him that this is no big deal, I'll bring out a new printer and the ITG33k will save the day, I'm like a nerdy super-hero y'know.....(but... no tights.... I'm a chubster.... it would be a crime against humanity if I were to go out in public like that.....)
So I get to his house, Yes his HOME printer died, I have to make a house call like a family doctor from the 1950s..... Anyway, I bring the new printer in and assess the old one..... It's as dead as a door nail (whatever that's supposed to mean.... aren't all inanimate objects dead? why are we singling out a nail? another topic for a different blog I guess.) So I get busy on the switch over. Not a terribly difficult task really, but when you factor in that Dr. Hot-Dog Vender, Esq. is hovering over me in a panic wringing his hands and whimpering like I'm performing surgey on one of his children, it gets a bit more stressful.
I successfully complete the task and the shiny new, over-priced printer is installed and ready to go. The familiar sounds of an HP Printer initializing a print job fills the home office, drawing in Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor, a pampered stay-at-home trophy wife/mom. She bursts into the room with a look of exasperation and euphoria on her face (was she really that excited for a print document or did she just get back from a rendezvous with her B.O.B? if you don't know what a B.O.B is, go look it up.... we'll wait....) Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor blurts out to her husband and I " Did you save it????". This must be quite the document, I'm even getting excited! It's gotta be something really important or valuable.... maybe some tycoon's lost will that's going to make someone an instant billionaire?
So the print job completes and I've just gotta know what the hell was so important, so I snatch it off the printer and give it a quick glace as I hand it over....
Looney Tunes character pictures..... Are you Fucking Serious??????? This is the goddamned document that was so important ???? it can't be, Right???? no sane person would be that worked up over pictures of some cartoons??? They Were. The look of relief on their faces said it all.... this was the fucking golden document..... Mrs. Hot-Dog Vendor confirmed it with one brief sentence " Oh, our little girl will be so happy..."
Welcome to I.T. Hell everyone.... It doesn't get much stranger than that.
Until Next Time: M3G@BYT3 ME, Bitches!
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